People-Pleasing Behaviors: What They Are and How to Address Them

Maybe you feel uncomfortable when you disagree with other people, even on small matters. Perhaps you can’t bring yourself to turn down requests for help, regardless of how busy you are. You might find yourself constantly apologizing and taking the blame for things you know didn’t do, just because you don’t feel confident enough to stand up for yourself.

All of these habits fall under the umbrella of “people pleasing” behaviors. Many people engage in these kinds of behaviors because they grew up in unstable environments where they had to walk on eggshells around caregivers. If you were unable to advocate for your own needs growing up, it can be tough to tap into your self-worth as an adult. Here are a few common people-pleasing behaviors, as well as tips on breaking these habits.

Difficulty Saying “No”

It’s hard to say “No” when you feel like you’re not allowed to disappoint anyone. You may not speak up for your own preferences. Maybe you keep quiet when you have a differing opinion on a particular topic. You can't be honest when you’re too busy to take on another commitment. Instead, you simply say “Yes” to everything, even if you’re uncomfortable with the situation.

You can take small steps to get comfortable with saying “No” in different settings. Disagreeing with someone about something inconsequential, like enjoying a particular movie or book, or turning down requests for help with things that are far outside of your scope of ability, can be good starting points.

Overextending Yourself

Setting boundaries when it comes to your time is crucial. But when you always put the needs of others above your own, you can end up feeling like you don’t have the right to protect your own time and energy. This is why people pleasers frequently suffer from burnout. At home, work, or school, you’re always agreeing to take on tasks that aren’t supposed to be your responsibility.

Think carefully about how much time you can actually devote to other priorities, and be realistic about what you’re able to say “yes” to. You may want to create a schedule so that you can see how much you already have on your plate.

Constantly Seeking Reassurance

Do you ever have trouble making decisions without seeking approval from other people? Maybe you turn to your loved ones for validation with nearly every decision you make. No matter how many times people reassure you about your choices, you feel tempted to check in again and again, and you still grapple with self-doubt. Gradually making decisions without checking in, even about minor things, can help you break this habit.

Saying “Sorry” When You’re Not at Fault

You might be tempted to apologize for everything. Most of the time, you’re not at fault. But you feel as though you must have done something wrong to cause a problem. Saying “sorry” might feel practically compulsory. The next time someone is frustrated about a situation that you had no part in, try holding back on this instinct and see how it feels.

Making Unnecessary Excuses for Others

When someone treats you poorly, you might leap to find a reasonable explanation for their behavior. You don’t deserve poor treatment. Yet you feel hesitant to demand anything better than the bare minimum.

Remember, you do not need to analyze the reasons behind poor treatment. If you are being treated unfairly, you have the right to remove yourself from the situation without making excuses for anyone else.

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If you’re struggling with people pleasing behaviors, I invite you to reach out my practice to find out how self-esteem counseling can help you get comfortable with self-advocacy.