The Weight of Emotional Labor: Breaking Down the Uneven Burden on Women
When you hear the word “labor,” you might think about physical effort. But emotional labor can be just as taxing as manual work. Emotional labor refers to the invisible energy that goes into regulating people’s emotions to maintain group cooperation, find compromises, anticipate needs, and prevent tempers from flaring.
Whether you’re at home with your family, in the workplace, at school, or among friends, emotional labor keeps group interactions smooth. But when it comes to ensuring the group gets along without spiraling into conflict, not everyone contributes equally.
Women are disproportionately expected to perform emotional labor in domestic and professional settings, all while handling their own responsibilities seamlessly. What emotional labor can look like in practice? Let's explore this aspect of gendered socialization and why it can be so draining for women.
Managing Other People’s Emotions
It’s impossible to truly “control” anyone’s emotions but your own. However, women are often held responsible for other people’s emotions, anyway. Therefore, they’re expected to carefully influence how other people feel and express themselves.
Women might find themselves apologizing constantly to avoid offending anyone, holding back their own ideas so they don’t “overstep” their boundaries, and trying to guess what people need, even when they don’t express it.
Acting “Cheerful” at Work
Women are expected to act bubbly and cheerful in the workplace, regardless of the circumstances. This is especially true for women in customer service positions. But even women who are not in customer-facing roles have to perform emotional labor at work.
Generally, women are judged more harshly for expressing negative emotions, and doing so in the workplace could make it harder to climb the ladder. But putting a smile on when you’re having a tough day is just one more task that weighs on you. Furthermore, men are not held to the same standard.
Mediating Conflicts
Women are generally discouraged from engaging in conflicts. But in this case, the definition of conflict can easily extend to advocating for your own needs or correcting someone’s mistakes at work. Instead, women are taught to avoid conflict at all costs, be kind even if someone insults them, and suppress their feelings.
Society also teaches women that they are in charge of mediating conflicts between others in order to “keep the peace.” This can come at a great emotional cost.
Hosting Gatherings
Emotional labor isn’t just an issue in the workplace. It’s another added responsibility for women in their personal lives. For instance, women are often tasked with planning and hosting family gatherings or get-togethers with friends. This involves understanding and accommodating the needs of many different people simultaneously.
Everything from noting dietary preferences and allergies, knowing who will want to sit next to who, and guiding conversations to avoid uncomfortable topics is a tricky balancing act. When couples attend gatherings hosted by other people, women are often tasked with making introductions and engaging in polite small talk. During the holidays, these responsibilities can start to feel like a part-time job.
Keeping Up With Relatives and Family Friends
When couples have mutual friends, women are often the ones reaching out to suggest plans, sending holiday cards, or calling to say “Happy birthday!” It’s also typically assumed that women will handle keeping up with relatives, sending gifts for milestones like baby showers, help out family members who are ill, and more.
This is known as “kin-keeping,” and it takes far more energy and organization than people assume. It can be rewarding, but it can also be a taxing form of emotional labor.
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Taking on the weight of emotional labor can be exhausting. I invite you to reach out my practice to learn about anxiety counseling, set healthy boundaries, get comfortable with self-advocacy.
