When Infertility Changes Who You Are: Grieving and Coping with Identity Loss
Infertility isn’t just a medical condition. It can also deeply affect how you see yourself and your vision for the future. When you’re grieving infertility, you’re also grieving the loss of the life you hoped to leave, along with a strongly held identity and sense of self.
Identity loss is an often-overlooked and painful aspect of many people’s infertility journeys. You might be questioning who you are, what you really want, and how to revitalize your self-worth in the face of so much uncertainty. Healing begins with an acknowledgement of this very real loss. Here’s why infertility is inherently entangled with identity loss and grief.
Mourning a Dream
For years, you might have held onto cherished visions of future parenthood. You may have made serious life decisions or sacrifices with the assumption that you would have children one day, and planned ahead accordingly.
Now, you need time and space to grieve the loss of a future that felt so certain. You might even be questioning your purpose and wondering where to seek meaning in life again. The loss of a dream may seem ambiguous to people who don’t understand. But those who have struggled with infertility know just how excruciating this loss feels.
Impacts on Identity and Self-Worth
As you stepped into adulthood, the idea that you would become a parent one day might have become a cornerstone of your identity. But as other people in your step into this role, while you grapple with infertility, you might feel inadequate or left behind.
You may wonder where you fit into your social circle, or within wider society, if you’re not a parent. Society often upholds the false and harmful idea that an individual is not complete unless they become a parent, which only adds to your identity confusion and intensifies the grief around your loss.
Infertility and Non-linear Grief
Grief linked to infertility can manifest as sadness, anger, guilt, or numbness. Sometimes, these emotions all show up at once, leaving you confused and disoriented. Infertility can also lead to non-linear grief that resurfaces at different times. Certain triggers, like pregnancy announcements, holidays, or doctors’ appointments, can bring up these uncomfortable feelings again.
It’s important not to criticize yourself for these feelings and give yourself space to process them. Resisting grief doesn’t actually eliminate these complex emotions. It just suppresses them, and they can catch you off guard in the future.
Coping with the Emotional Fallout
What does coping with the grief of infertility actually look like in practice? Turning to outlets for self-expression can help you find peace and explore new directions. Journaling, going to therapy, meeting with a support group, or opening up to friends who have walked in your shoes are all healthy ways to share what’s on your mind. Focusing on self-compassion in your daily life can remind you of your inherent worth, regardless of any other challenges you’re facing.
Finding Meaning Again
When it comes to healing from the grief of infertility, redefining yourself and seeking meaning are part of the path. Consider where you find meaning, purpose, and connection in life. It might involve helping others in your community, creating artwork, or working on other long-term projects that push you to grow.
The identity loss associated with infertility isn’t the end of the road. Instead, it could mark the beginning of an evolution in the way you view yourself and your purpose.
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Can you relate to the identity changes that come with infertility? If you’re struggling with these unexpected challenges, working with an infertility therapist can help you move forward, and I invite you to reach out to learn more about my offerings.
